The Return of the Condor Heroes Chapter 9

A hundred schemes to evade the foe.

In the midst of her panic, Lu Wushuang heard Yang Guo suddenly ask a foolish question and snapped, “Fool! What nonsense are you spouting now?” Yang Guo laughed and said, “Let’s play at bowing to heaven and earth and becoming husband and wife. You dress up as the bride, all right? That would be wonderful. With a red cloth draped over your face, no one could see who you are.” Lu Wushuang paused. “You want me to dress up as a bride to hide from my shifu?” Yang Guo giggled. “I don’t know. You play the bride, and I’ll play the groom.” With the situation pressing, Lu Wushuang had no time to scold him further. She thought, This fool’s idea is truly strange, but apart from this, there really is no other way. “How do we do it?” she asked.

Yang Guo dared not waste another moment. He cracked the whip several times across the donkey’s rump, and the beast broke into a gallop.

The country road was narrow, and an eight-man bridal sedan chair blocked the way, leaving no room to pass on either side. The wedding procession, seeing a donkey charging straight at them, shouted in unison for the riders to rein in and slow down. But Yang Guo clamped his legs tighter and urged the donkey even faster. In the blink of an eye he had reached the wedding crowd. Two stout men rushed forward to seize the donkey and prevent it from colliding with the bridal chair. Yang Guo flicked his whip, coiling it around their arms, lifted and released, and both men were sent tumbling to the roadside. “I’m going to be the groom now,” he said to Lu Wushuang. He leaned forward and with his right hand plucked the bridegroom clean off his white horse.

The bridegroom was a young man of seventeen or eighteen, dressed in brand-new wedding clothes with a golden flower pinned to his cap. Seized so suddenly by Yang Guo, he was frightened out of his wits. Yang Guo tossed him high into the air, well over a zhang,¹ and as he came plummeting back down, amidst the horrified screams of the onlookers, caught him in his outstretched arms. The wedding party numbered about thirty, half of them burly men from the western passes, but seeing this display of skill and with the bridegroom held hostage, who among them dared step forward? An old man who had seen much of the world assumed this was a highway robbery. He stepped up and bowed deeply. “Great King, please spare the bridegroom. Whatever travel money the Great King requires, we can certainly discuss it.”

Yang Guo turned to Lu Wushuang and laughed. “Wifey, why is he calling me Great King? My surname isn’t Wang.² I think he’s even more foolish than I am.”

Lu Wushuang said, “Stop messing around. I think I heard the bells on my shifu’s donkey.”

Yang Guo started. He cocked his ear and listened intently. Indeed, from far away came the faint sound of bells. She’s coming fast, he thought. “Bells? What bells? Is it a candy seller? That would be wonderful, let’s buy some sweets.” He turned to the old man. “If you all do exactly as I say, I’ll release him. Otherwise…” He tossed the bridegroom into the air again. The young man screamed in terror and burst into tears. The old man bowed repeatedly. “Whatever the Great King commands.”

Yang Guo pointed at Lu Wushuang. “She’s my wife. She saw you all playing at weddings and thought it looked like fun, so she wants to play too…”

Lu Wushuang snapped, “Fool, what are you saying?”

Yang Guo ignored her. “Quick, dress her in the bride’s clothes. I’ll play the bridegroom.”

Children playing at weddings, pretending to be bride and groom bowing to heaven and earth, such games were common the world over, nothing out of the ordinary. But who could have imagined that a highway robber would suddenly demand this particular entertainment? The crowd stared at one another, utterly speechless. Yet looking at the two of them, one a young man barely out of his teens, the other a maiden in her prime, they did, in truth, make a passable couple. While everyone stood frozen in indecision, Yang Guo heard the golden bells drawing nearer. He sprang off the donkey, laid the bridegroom across the saddle for Lu Wushuang to guard, then went to the bridal chair himself. He lifted the curtain and pulled the bride out.

The bride screamed in terror, her face still covered by the red cloth, with no idea what was happening outside. Yang Guo reached out and pulled the cloth from her face. She had a full-moon face and a look of prosperous good fortune. “What a pretty bride,” he said with a laugh, and gently touched her cheek. The bride was now so stunned she dared not make a sound. Yang Guo lifted her with his left hand and shouted, “If you want her to live, dress my wife in the bride’s clothes, now!”

Hearing her shifu’s donkey bells drawing ever closer, Lu Wushuang shot Yang Guo a sidelong glare. This fool has no idea how dangerous this is, making jokes at a time like this. But she heard the old man urging frantically, “Quick, quick! Change their clothes!” The attending matrons immediately set to work, stripping off the bride’s phoenix crown, embroidered cape, brocade jacket and red skirt, and dressing Lu Wushuang in them. Yang Guo put on the bridegroom’s wedding garments himself. “Good little wife,” he said to Lu Wushuang, “get in the bridal chair.” Lu Wushuang made the bride enter first, then sat on top of her before letting the curtain fall.

Yang Guo glanced at the straw sandals on his feet and wanted to change them, but the bells had already reached the mountain bend. “Head southeast!” he called. “Start the music! If anyone comes asking, don’t say you saw us.” He snatched the new shoes off the bridegroom’s feet, put them on, leapt onto the white horse, and rode alongside the bridegroom on the donkey. The crowd, seeing both the bride and groom in the hands of bandits, dared not disobey. Horns and gongs struck up at once.

The bridal chair turned around and had gone barely ten-odd zhang when the clear ringing of bells sounded urgently behind them. Two painted donkeys, moving at a swift gait, came racing up. Lu Wushuang, hearing the bells from inside the chair, knew that whether she could escape this calamity would be decided in the next instant. Her heart pounded wildly as she listened for what was happening outside. Yang Guo feigned shyness, lowering his head to study the horse’s neck. He heard Hong Lingbo³ call out, “Hey! Have you seen a girl with a lame foot pass by?” The old man in the wedding party said, “No… no.” Hong Lingbo asked again, “Have you seen a young woman riding a beast of burden?” The old man again answered, “No.” Shifu and disciple rode their donkeys past the wedding crowd and galloped off.

Before long, Li Mochou⁴ and Hong Lingbo turned their donkeys around and came back. Li Mochou swept out her horsetail whisk. It coiled around the bridal chair’s curtain and with a chi sound, tore off half the fabric. Yang Guo was badly startled. He urged his horse closer, ready to spring to the rescue the moment she swung her whisk a second time. But Li Mochou merely glanced into the chair and laughed. “The bride has a fortunate look about her.” She raised her head to Yang Guo. “Young man, you’ve got good luck.” Yang Guo kept his head down, not daring to meet her eyes. Hoofbeats sounded, and the two women were gone.

Yang Guo was astounded. Why did she let Lu Guniang go? He peered into the chair. The bride sat ashen-faced, trembling violently, but Lu Wushuang was nowhere to be seen. Even more baffled, Yang Guo cried, “Oh, where’s my wife?” Lu Wushuang laughed. “I’ve disappeared.” The bride’s skirt stirred and Lu Wushuang crawled out from beneath it. She had known her shifu was thorough in all things and would never easily overlook any hiding place. Sure enough, Li Mochou had gone and returned, so she had hidden herself. “Sit tight and be a proper bride,” said Yang Guo. “A bridal chair is more comfortable than riding a donkey.”

Lu Wushuang nodded and said to the bride, “You’re crushing me and I can barely breathe. Get out, quickly.” The bride had no choice but to leave the chair and ride the donkey Lu Wushuang had been on. The bride and groom had never laid eyes on each other before. Now the groom saw that his bride was plump and fair, with a certain pearl-like roundness. The bride stole a glance at the groom and found him passably handsome. Both felt a secret delight.

---

The procession travelled twenty-some li⁵ and the sky began to darken. The old man kept pleading with Yang Guo to release his people, lest they miss the auspicious hour for the wedding ceremony. Yang Guo snapped, “What are you nagging about?”

The words had barely left his mouth when two figures flashed at the roadside and darted into the woods. Yang Guo grew suspicious and gave chase, catching a glimpse of their backs, ragged clothing, the dress of beggars. Yang Guo reined in his horse and thought, Could the Beggars’ Guild⁶ have seen through our ruse and set more men ahead to ambush us? It’s come to this, the only way is forward.

The bridal chair soon arrived. Lu Wushuang poked her head through the torn curtain. “What did you see?”

Yang Guo said, “The chair curtain is torn, and your face isn’t covered with red cloth. When you’re playing the bride, you ought to be weeping and wailing. Even if in your heart you’re dying to get married, you should still have tears and snot streaming down, calling for your mother and father, refusing to leave home. Where under heaven is there such a shameless bride as you?”

Lu Wushuang caught the implication, he seemed to be saying that someone had seen through their disguise. She merely muttered “Fool” under her breath and said no more. After travelling further, the mountain road grew increasingly narrow as they climbed a ridge, rough and difficult going. The wedding party was long since exhausted, but fearing to anger Yang Guo, not one of them dared utter a word of complaint.

Once they crested the ridge, the party rested a long while before lifting the chair and pressing on. By the second watch of the night,⁷ they reached a market town. Only then did Yang Guo release the wedding party. The crowd had assumed they had fallen into the hands of bandits and would certainly be held for ransom, likely suffering greatly in the process. Who could have imagined that this “bandit” truly only wanted to play at being bride and groom, and that was all? It was an unexpected delight, and they could not stop thanking Yang Guo profusely. The attending matrons were even more generous with their auspicious phrases: “May the Great King and the Lady of the Stronghold share a hundred years of harmony, grow old together with white hair, and bring forth many little Great Kings!” Yang Guo roared with laughter, while Lu Wushuang burned with both embarrassment and indignation.

Yang Guo and Lu Wushuang found an inn and took a room. They ordered food and had just sat down to eat when a figure flashed past the doorway, someone poked a head in, saw the two of them, and immediately withdrew. Sensing something amiss, Yang Guo rushed to the door. In the courtyard stood two men, none other than Shen Zhifan and Ji Qingxu, the Daoists who had fought Lu Wushuang in Jackal-Wolf Valley. The two Daoists drew their longswords and sprang forward. Yang Guo thought, What are you looking for trouble with me for? Looking to suffer? The two Daoists closed in, but then veered sideways, dashed into the main hall, and charged at Lu Wushuang. At that very instant, a sudden jingling of bells rang out.

The bells came without warning, and by the time they reached the ear, the source was already nearby. The two Daoists’ faces changed dramatically. They exchanged a glance and retreated hastily into the first room on the west side, slamming the door shut and refusing to come out again. Yang Guo thought, Stinking Daoists, they’ve probably suffered at Li Mochou’s hands before, to be this terrified.

Lu Wushuang whispered, “My shifu is here. Fool, what do we do?”

“What do we do?” said Yang Guo. “Hide!” He had just reached out to help her when the sound of bells abruptly stopped at the inn’s entrance. Li Mochou’s voice rang out: “You, get up on the roof and stand guard.” Hong Lingbo acknowledged the order and with a sou landed on the rooftop. Then came the innkeeper’s voice: “Immortal Maiden, honoured elder, would you like a room… ow, I…” A pu sound, he had collapsed to the floor, making no further noise. How could he have known that Li Mochou hated nothing more than being called “old”? And to address her to her face as “honoured elder”? Her whisk swept out and nearly claimed the innkeeper’s old life then and there. She asked the serving boy, “There’s a girl with a lame foot, where is she staying?” The boy was already scared witless and could only stammer, “I… I…” without managing a single word. Li Mochou kicked him aside with her left foot, then kicked open the door of the first room on the west side with her right and strode in to search. It was precisely the room where Shen Zhifan and Ji Qingxu were staying.

Footnotes

1. 丈 – zhàng. Traditional Chinese unit of length, approximately 3.33 metres or 10.9 feet. ↩

2. 王重阳 – Wáng Chóngyáng. Founder of the Quanzhen Order and foremost of the Five Greats. He led anti-Jin resistance before turning to Daoism; in the novel he was Lin Chaoying’s beloved, though their relationship was never consummated. See Wuxia Wiki. ↩

3. 洪凌波 – Hóng Língbō. Her name meaning “treading the waves”. See Wuxia Wiki. ↩

4. 李莫愁 – Lǐ Mòchóu. Her name meaning “do not sorrow”. See Wuxia Wiki. ↩

5. 里 – lǐ. Traditional Chinese unit of distance, approximately 500 metres or a third of a mile. ↩

6. 丐帮 – Gàibāng. Largest martial arts organisation in the jianghu, continued from LOCH era. See Wuxia Wiki. ↩

7. 二更 – èr gēng. Second of the five night watches, approximately 9:00 PM to 11:00 PM. ↩