Deer and the Cauldron - Chapter 12 (Part 7)

Wei Xiaobao asks Duolong to search for Liu Yizhou among the captured rebels, then receives another suspicious pig delivery at the Imperial Kitchen. Back in his quarters, he teases his two captives about their plight and the impossibility of leaving the palace.

Wei Xiaobao said, “Chief Duolong, please check whether among the rebels captured last night there is one called Liu Yizhou. If such a person exists, we can work from him to trace the rebels’ origins and connections.”

Duolong replied, “Yes, yes! The names the rebels gave are naturally false ones. I’ll go and investigate carefully.”

When Wei Xiaobao returned to his quarters and was approaching the gate, he saw a young eunuch from the Imperial Kitchen waiting by the roadside. The little eunuch came forward and said in a low voice, “Eunuch Gui, that Boss Qian has sent another pig. This one is called a ‘Bird’s Nest and Ginseng Pig,’ he says it’s an offering for you, sir, and is waiting in the Imperial Kitchen for your instructions.”

Wei Xiaobao frowned. He thought, That ‘Poria and Flower-Carved Pig’ hasn’t even been sorted out yet, and now he’s sending a ‘Bird’s Nest and Ginseng Pig.’ Does he think our palace is a pigsty? But since the man had come, he would have to find some way to deal with it.

When he arrived at the Imperial Kitchen, he saw Boss Qian beaming with pleasure. “Eunuch Gui, that ‘Poria and Flower-Carved Pig’ of mine was truly extraordinarily nourishing. After you ate it, look how refreshed and clear your spirit is, your face all aglow with health. I’m grateful to you, sir, for your patronage, so I’ve brought another ‘Bird’s Nest and Ginseng Pig.’” As he spoke, he pointed to his side.

This pig, however, was alive. Its entire coat was white, its appearance quite handsome, and it kept circling around inside its bamboo cage. Wei Xiaobao had no idea what trick was being played, but he nodded. Boss Qian leaned close and took Wei Xiaobao’s hand, saying, “Tsk, tsk, tsk! After eating the meat from the ‘Poria and Flower-Carved Pig,’ your pulse is vigorous, truly quite different from before.” Wei Xiaobao felt a slip of paper pressed into his hand. With so many eyes and ears in the Imperial Kitchen, he did not ask further questions.

Boss Qian said, “This ‘Bird’s Nest and Ginseng Pig’ must be prepared differently. Please order your subordinates to feed it the finest wine dregs for ten days. After ten days, I’ll come back and prepare it myself for you to enjoy, sir.”

Wei Xiaobao frowned and said, “That ‘Poria and Flower-Carved Pig’ has already given me enough trouble, stirring up my false fire until it’s unbearable. Ginseng pig, bird’s nest pig—Boss Qian, you sacrifice it yourself. I can’t handle any more of it.”

Boss Qian laughed. “This is just a small token of my devotion. I won’t trouble you, sir, any more after this.” With that, he offered several bows and withdrew.

Wei Xiaobao figured the slip of paper must have writing on it. His own literacy covered watermelon-sized characters, and he couldn’t make out a basketful. He ordered the kitchen staff and servants to feed the pig properly, then returned to his room. He thought, That Boss Qian is truly clever. The first time he hid a living person inside a dead pig to get into the palace. If he sent another dead pig in a second time, it would arouse suspicion. So he simply sends in a live pig, lets it be fed in the Imperial Kitchen, and there’s no trick to it at all. Even if someone was suspicious before, now all suspicion is gone. Right—when you’re being clever and fooling people, not only must you plan carefully beforehand, but afterwards at the first opportunity, you must patch up any holes.

He thought further, This note will have to be shown to the Little Princess. Damn it, why couldn’t he just say it plainly? What’s with writing a damn note?

When he entered the room, Mu Jianping said, “Brother Gui, someone came to the door just now. It seemed to be someone bringing food. They must have seen the door was locked and left without knocking.”

Wei Xiaobao said, “How do you know it was food being delivered? Hey, you’ve smelled the fragrance and you’re very hungry, aren’t you? Why didn’t you eat the cakes and pastries?”

Mu Jianping giggled. “To be honest and not stand on ceremony, we ate them long ago.”

Fang Yi said, “Brother … Brother Gui, you …” She trailed off, somewhat stuttering.

Wei Xiaobao said, “I haven’t found out about your Shixiong Liu yet. The palace guards say they didn’t catch anyone surnamed Liu.”

Fang Yi said in a low voice, “Thank you. But I don’t know if he was killed by the Tartars. Besides, even if Shixiong Liu was caught, he wouldn’t say his surname was Liu. We all agreed—he would pretend his surname was Xia. Wu Sangui’s son-in-law is surnamed Xia. Shixiong Liu will confess that the one surnamed Xia is his uncle.”

Wei Xiaobao laughed. “Then wouldn’t you become Wu Sangui’s relative?”

The Little Princess hurried to say, “That’s fake.”

Wei Xiaobao sighed. “But Fang Guniang’s dream of becoming Wu Sangui’s nephew’s wife or whatever—that can’t happen either. Even if your Shixiong Liu escaped the palace, he’d be thinking of you out there, and you’d be thinking of him in here. A lifetime of you thinking of me, me thinking of you. A pair of loving lovers who can never meet—wouldn’t that be unbearable?”

Fang Yi’s face reddened again. “How could I stay in the palace my whole life?”

Wei Xiaobao said, “Once girls enter the palace, how could they ever have a day of leaving? Pretty little things like you, with faces that shame flowers and moon—I, Little Gui, would want to marry you the moment I saw you. If the Emperor were to see you, he’d surely make you his Empress. Fang Guniang, I advise you to just become the Empress!”

Fang Yi said anxiously, “I won’t argue with you any more. Every word you say is designed to make me angry, to tease me until I’m upset.”

Wei Xiaobao smiled and handed the slip of paper to Mu Jianping. “Little Princess, read this note.”

Mu Jianping took it and read, “‘Go to the Gao Sheng Teahouse to hear the Tale of Heroes.’ What’s that about?”

Wei Xiaobao now understood the meaning: The Heaven and Earth Society has business with me and is asking me to meet them at the teahouse. He laughed. “For someone descended from the Mu family, you don’t even know the Record of Heroes.”

Mu Jianping said, “Of course I know the Record of Heroes. That’s the story of how Emperor Taizu rose to found the dynasty.”

Wei Xiaobao said, “There’s a chapter called ‘Prince Mu Settles Yunnan with Three Arrows, Eunuch Gui Embraces a Beauty with Both Hands’—have you heard of it?”

Mu Jianping spat. “Our ancestor, the Prince of Qianning, pacified Yunnan. Naturally that’s in the Record of Heroes. But where is there any ‘Eunuch Gui embracing a beauty with both hands … both hands’?”

Wei Xiaobao said solemnly, “You’re saying there’s no ‘Eunuch Gui embracing a beauty with both hands’?”

Mu Jianping said, “Of course there isn’t. You made it up.”

Wei Xiaobao said, “Let’s make a bet. If it’s true, then what? If it’s not, then what?”

Mu Jianping said, “I’ve heard the Record of Heroes stories until I know them by heart. There’s naturally no such thing. I’ll bet anything you like. Senior Sister Fang, there’s no such story he’s talking about, is there?”

Before Fang Yi could answer, Wei Xiaobao leaped onto the bed, shoes and all, and wriggled under the covers. He lay between the two of them, his left arm around Fang Yi’s neck, his right arm around Mu Jianping’s waist, and said, “I say there is, and that makes it so!”

Fang Yi and Mu Jianping both cried out in surprise. Before they could dodge, he was holding them tight. Mu Jianping thrust out her right hand and pushed him hard. Wei Xiaobao took advantage of the momentum to turn his head and pressed his lips against Fang Yi’s, kissing her. “How fragrant!” he praised.

Fang Yi was about to struggle, but the slightest movement sent sharp pain through her broken ribs. Her left hand flew up and—smack—slapped him across the face.

Wei Xiaobao laughed. “Murder! Murdering your own husband!” He rolled out of the covers, grabbed Mu Jianping, and kissed her on the mouth too. “Equally fragrant! Eunuch Gui embraces a beauty with both hands—is there or isn’t there?” He grinned and, snatching up his bundle of clothes, ran out of the room and locked the door behind him.